Saturday, December 30, 2006

Things I Have Learned Over Christmas Living With 2 Toddlers

Hell hath no fury, or adhesive properties, like 2-day old, once sodden cheerios dried to a shiny shellac finish on fleece pajamas.

When Christmas shopping, here is always someone to hold the door open for me with a smile when they see us coming with the big double stroller. In contrast, waitresses see me coming with my double stroller and immediately burst into tears. Small children want to climb on. Sometimes, I end up at the car with an extra child who is attempting to stow away.

No matter how beautifully decorated the Christmas tree is, how gorgeous the ornaments or how intriguingly placed the lights on it are, it will still end up barricaded in the corner behind the couch and 2 chairs because toddlers want to climb it.

Never wear a white shirt to a pizza place with toddlers learning to eat with their hands. All you are is a big hankie.

Hey, I am as mindful of my kid’s safety as the next mom. But seriously, sometimes I’d like to kill the person responsible for the five-point harness on car seats. When it is 8 pm my kids turn into loud, whiny, wriggly octopuses with the strength of 10 men. Strapping them into a car seat with five straps is like trying to pin down a 747 in mid take-off with a spatula.

To a child under 2, Santa Claus has about as much appeal as going to the dentist for root canal work.

Yes, it is true: You can spend a million dollars on every bright, loud, colorful and educational toy on the planet and toddlers will still be more intrigued and get more fun out of banging a metal mixing bowl on the floor- while chewing on the wrapping paper your gorgeous and expensive educational toy came in.

No matter how I try, I will probably never instill fear into them like the sight of my vacuum cleaner does. I’m hoping this lasts until they are 18.

If given the choice between your scrumptious, family recipe, takes-5-hours-to-make-and-has-25-ingredients, home baked upside down apple crispy Christmas muffins and cheese, the toddler will choose the cheese. Don’t let it hurt your feelings. They like wrapping paper too.

4 Comments:

Blogger Sarah said...

I'm laughing so hard I can barely type...and I'm also adding you to a higher spot on my prayer list, Mikala! HOLY COW!!! (That cheese thing, though...ah, that is MY toddler, to the "T" indeed!)

11:02 PM  
Blogger Laura H. said...

Ditto to above.. HAHAHA!!

10:22 AM  
Blogger Joel said...

I don't have enough Amens to do this justice. This is wonderful!

2:20 PM  
Blogger causa nostra laetitiae said...

This is PRICELESS!! You have the rare gift for seeing humor where most mothers just see red!
I'm sharing this with my readers, it's too funny!

10:11 AM  

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